Chirp, Chirp...

Chirp, Chirp..
Tweet, tweet...

Guys...I'm here! Still here....
But guess what, nobody actually has a clue what's going on in my life.
Spain is far, but not too far for internet to reach.

It's okay, btw, most people have Facebook, but I don't. And ironically, (shit, didn't they teach us never to start a sentence with 'and'?) as comfortable as it is for most humanoids to "maintain" relationships via FB, for me it's become quite exhausting.

Here's the thing: having lived outside the Golden State for almost 5 years (counting the summers that I usually spend stateside), I am no less homesick than I was the first time 20 year old me crossed the Atlantic ocean with two obnoxiously large suitcases (packed chalk full of tampons because who knew Spain was a first world country just like the US with those types of "comforts" readily available) and actually realized the adventure I had embarked on....The kilometers of ocean and land that separate me from my family, my childhood, my memories and my heart, which I duly left in Nevada County (and has been spread throughout various regions of Southern California as well), never seem to be a "tiny detail" that is pushed aside by more prominent thoughts. I'm reminded everyday of that distance. Of that physical separation, and now, as I am closer to accomplishing 30 years of life than I am to having arrived at 20, these emotional distances are increasingly greater.

My life is a chaotic-ass journey and I can't even find enough time to figure out my own brain patterns and thought processes, let alone even think to maintain 836 "friendships" online. So I deleted my first FB account and went along my business in Barcelona, but was struggling with this new way of social life in which the main form of communication is online.
"8PM at Bar Siete."
"12:20 Plaza Catalunya."
"OMG last night was fucking crazy. P.S. I fucking LOVE you (IN CAPS SO EVERYONE WHO SEES YOUR FB PAGE KNOWS I'M YOUR HOMIE)"

I found myself back on the 'Book trying to make friends (and a home) in Barcelona; a city of poor, young hipsters&hippies, all with pay as you go phones and no money to pay BUT with an astoundingly large number of friends and social circles, at least according to FB. It's a very interesting generation (my generation) of humanoids that function in a new way, socially speaking. That year in Barcelona I felt very unfulfilled and disconnected no matter how connected I actually tried to be. I also didn't have my safety net of American study abroad students. Making friends at total random is not easy. People are ever judgmental and incredibly superficial. WE ALL ARE. No thanks to social networks like Facebook, either. It's super easy to get caught up in, and I have fallen back into it numerous times... It's a self esteem booster to see all those likes in response to your:
"Sweating like a swine! Just ran 67 miles on the tread but it's a beautiful morning! LIFE IS GREAT. Can't wait for 'ritas later with the girlies @trina @boquita" comment.

Then I moved back to the pueblo. Small town living and I was getting into routines at home, work, and the commodities of having almost everything I needed really close. I moved in with my man, his family is near by, taking care of us in every way possible... But apart from Old World gender roles and "housewife" tasks (and schooling J on how doable those chores are for both the female AND male species) I've been busy man. Committing myself to a life abroad where everyday is a lesson in language, culture and most importantly developing my relationship with Jorge is a challenge. A normal day can be so mentally exhausting that all of a sudden, weeks pass and I haven't skyped with my family. I had no idea that Mr. Kephart was sick in bed for 2 weeks with Giardia from their trip to Mexico (trip to Mexico???!!!) or that the resident kitty at the Kephart abode is also down with the flu and hasn't moved out from in front of the fireplace for hours! What a kitty!

Anyways, point being: I can't keep up with you all online. The superficiality of FB is also incredibly depressing to me. How assumptions are made based on comments they've seen from so-and-so who's friends with so-and-so, the cousin of your childhood neighbor's ex-girlfriend. FB is an easy out to actually maintaining a fulfilling personal relationship with someone, making the extra step to do so. I am the kind of girl who makes the extra step. I bedazzle my letters AND envelopes. I also understand that it's impossible to stay pen pals with everyone. But this is just a fact of life that we all have to learn to accept. We can't ALL be friends forever. We can sure be friendly, but friends.. I've come to learn is a term who's meaning can be stretched to include those 836 online contacts. But I don't have the energy or the time to try with all 836 of you. My apologies (I'm not actually sorry. I have been trying for 5 years to keep up with everyone but when it's one sided, it's one sided). Perhaps it's the distance that has helped me understand this but lately I have been trying to work on the relationships that are still there. Mutual understanding. And most importantly, I have been trying to work on the relationships with the people that physically surround me. This doesn't mean that I prefer the people of Calatayud over the 530 or 949 gentile but it just happens to be where I am at the moment. Ok, obviously, I am in Calatayud for 1 person (2 including me) but the others are complimentary. But why not make these relationships meaningful too? Afterall, it's where I am. And you all are where you are. I realize now that most everyone is probably already doing that. So that gives me more insight into why I feel like so many of my relationships with US humanoids are so one-sided (if I made you feel bad just now, it's ok. It's all good. I'm just spitting truth). PEOPLE ARE BUSY. And it took me longer than everyone else to get the fucking memo that others are over it. Over the extra step. If it's there, it's there. If it's not, it's not. It can still be great, especially at hometown reunions where we STILL and will probably forever have a great time. I don't mean to say that I respect or cherish anyone from my past any less, but for a lot of us, we just can't hang. And I finally caught on to that vibe from various peeps. I know some really amazing people. But the truth is that we are all moving and journeying on in different directions, leaving everyone else to their own adventures. And if we try to force something that isn't there, we aren't living fully in the present moment, which is our true home.

SO, having said that, those who want to reach me, you already know how. I am happily awaiting your messages and updates, it is what builds up my winter anticipation of summer, impatiently counting the months, weeks and days until I cross the Atlantic to be home...again...

I have made a mental promise to myself to blog and to make public (for those who are hanging on my last words for more) what has become a backlog of updates in the ridiculous life of Karlicita Loca.

PEACE love and belly rubs,
KK