UNTOUCHED BUT....HERE

I haven't been writing. My blog is so boring. Who even reads this? But I guess the idea of blogging is to chronicle my life through permanent digital entries, posted publicly as if the whole world is wanting to digest my words and my story. Will I have future kids to read this? That seems more worth it to keep my fingers dancing on the keyboard. What I would do to read an autobiography of my mother and father when they were my age. To see videos...

It has been a strange, time, being 23 and then 24 and now, just beyond the horizon, 25 awaits. A quarter century. WTF

It's hard to embrace these new number combinations when one in particular was so prominent. 23 was a year. 23, to date, was the year I knew myself best. I was dominating (or trying to at least) a personal happiness mission based on honesty and recognition. Keeping all sensors open to my environment, absorbing the words, thoughts and ideas that were shared with me, that floated about me. Understanding how and why my body, mind and spirit reacted to situational circumstances, possible change and relationship confusions. I felt so conscious.

Things changed. Duh, of course they did. And apart from learning how to heal, I think that this last year and a half has been one of the most distinct transition periods of my life. I think I'm emerging from 23 (imagine sparks and stars and ahh-haaaa music) as an adult. A real one. Though my mother's hugs are no less imperative for my well being (in fact, we can all agree that they are too few), I feel like a fucking adult. And the weight of all the responsibilities that come with it... Whoa, it's been a year. And I have been very effected by this transition/inevitable entrance into the world of adults.

So, here I am.





But remember when I did this?



That too, was inevitable. Before really picking up the heavy luggage and hopping a train to, THIS IS YOUR FUCKING LIVE-VILLE, something like shaving my head a month before I started a new job was bound to happen. In general, when my curiosities grow stronger and stronger, they just spill or burst out of me and usually, when it is really time to try something/make a decision, the universe provides me with the moment. THE moment. And in August, it happened. I was defenseless in avoiding the loss of all 15 or 17 or whatever inches of my golden locks.
If you know anything about small town Spain, please try to imagine this ridiculous scene. I learned that the people in my native culture, at least the world in which I lived in the US of A, are generally less effected by my physical nature and what I choose to do with my life and my body than the people in Spain. So, I learned, it's real nice being considered by my character and my heart, than by my physical genetic gifts from Ma and Pa. I like to think that this radical change to my noggin maybe had a deeper message for the people here in Calatayud. Though unfortunately, I think I do a lot more imagining of this peace and love, embrace everyone because it feels better than judging sentiment than actually exists. In general.

So I think my hiatus from blogging happened because I was on a course I had to take. I had to, and continue to experience the less desirable consequences of adulthood (whatever that may be to each of us). And right now, this is what 24 and 25 mean to me.

The consequences will never cease for as long as we make decisions. A couple months ago, a very good human (and blessed am I that she is a good friend of mine) lost the love of her life. As humanly possible, I have been with her through the healing process. As humans we yearn for THE PHYSICAL in everything relationship considered, but because physical distance is my #1 life battle vs. my emotions/relationship development, I have had to support her in many other ways. This is what I am learning is necessary in all different kinds of situations. For me. Anyways, during this time of loss and death, I think I have learned more from her than I have actually helped her heal. But that is because she is supposed to be in that situation. We all get to learn though unique experiences and it was her turn to learn about loss. Or maybe something else, but I can't know because it is her experience, to me it is just very vaguely thrown into category of "loss" as it is masked. Through her words and thoughts, however, this is what she has shared with me: Things are the way they are because they can't be otherwise. In other words, we are where we are (physically, emotionally, spiritually) because it is a consequence of the decisions that we made with the opportunities we had. Now, whether we create the opportunities or those opportunities present themselves because the universe is this energic (that is not a word but I want it to be because it sounds better in this sentence) space and place and we transmit and receive so many feelings and thoughts from ourselves and others, I will forever be baffled. I'm not sure. Are you? But, I won't stop thinking about it!

So....

For you of course, your suitcases (on your journey to and through THIS IS FUCKING LIFE-VILLE) are filled with different decisions and opportunities than mine. And we are traveling on very different trains. At different speeds, with different layovers, various cancellations and changing of company in the seat(s) next to us. We each have experiences so unique (and yet so cosmically connected at times.....) that we see people come and go, and sometimes come back into our lives. So unpredictably natural.

I have struggled with this concept in regards to my family. The love we have for each other couldn't be more deeply rooted than anything else in the history of things being rooted, but our relationships change. It isn't that we come and go from each other's lives but we take mini vacays, I guess. And for some people, maybe it isn't their family that stays in their orbit, but for me, it is. So I am learning to respect the personal experiences they are living, away from me physically (DUH), but emotionally, too. Having said that, I am kinda the one that keeps the emails-whatsapps-skype seshes to a comfortable often, because whether THEY like it or not, I can't go too long without their love, praise, or giggles. So, now that I have discovered that I am "that person" in my family, we all just gotta get used to it. And for whatever's sake, my parents are damn busy! Kel works and works and between work she's got her little lady get togethers and dinners in the dark and in between all of that, she's at Cost Plus World Market, candy, gadget and toy shopping for certain international package sending. And Dave, well, there isn't always cell coverage on the various golf courses. My brothers are like me, they yearn for new things so it's actually a blessing that they are distracted from technology (our main mode of communication) and are off doing.... other things. The changes and new experiences that they live and never tell me about will be for me to discover as they will be reflected by their character.

SPEAKING OF MY BROTHERS (two of the four most amazing men in the world and, the first two loves of my life), we will be reunited, the brothers and sister Kephart, in the dirty south. New Orleans. June 4. From there we will let the bright lights, loud music and fried chicken lead us to Bonnaroo music festival and then.... ????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?????

In other news:

My baby terror kitty has transformed into a sleepy, typical woman cat. Lots of naps. Itchy cheeks. The like...

It has been so long since bloggy blog updates that I will save the stories for a sit down this summer with a cool glass of tea or beer or sangria or whatever you want.

I'm feeling blessed to have the 2 months available to go home. Economically, I probably should have stayed here in June to work but if any possible life course takes me from this world sooner than we expect, I'd prefer to road trip America with my brothers than spend a summer stressing the importance of gerunds, pronouns and sentence structure cuz fo' real, i really dont give a dayum**

PEACELOVE&BOX MY PEOPLE!!!!!

**Unless they are paying me to give a damn.

LA REINA