THINGS THE SPANISH ARE GOOD AT:

· Drinking coffee: It's always the right time to "take" a coffee... Everything else can wait. Work, school, whoever you promised to meet at 2:00 o'clock, your doctor appointment, the lecture you are giving at the University, etc. Some days it's an Irish coffee, some days it's an espresso. But most often, it's the traditional café con leche that takes precedence over all else.

· Not being punctual: Please see previous bullet point.

· Wearing watches: From a young age, almost everyone wears a watch. At least in the city. Ironic, right?

· Slaughtering pigs: And those dead, sometimes bloody (when you can see into the butcher's back room) sometimes cured bodies and/or legs are hung proudly in the windows of every bar and butcher shop. Eaten on bread, in soup, in salad, in pasta, on pizza, etc etc etc... Hammy. It's what's for dinner.

· Making pastries: Unexplainable. You just have to visit me to experience the magic for yourself. I promise you mornings of coffee accompanied by: a chocolate caña, a cabello de ángel sweet pumpkin or apple pastry, a Spanish donut, a muffin or a madalena, a regular palmera, a chocolate palmera, the Spanish equivalent of a cream puff, churros, churros con chocolate, a sweet bollo, an hojaldre treat or an ensaimada.. but you can never really go wrong with your traditional and seemingly boring croissant (or chocolate if you're like me). The magic is in the thin layer of honey glaze right on top of the flaky, crab-shaped pastry.

· Speaking Spanish.

· Hospitality. Feeding guests, going over the top with offerings, favors and anything they can do to make a guest feel comfortable, full and probably buzzed off wine. Never forget that there's a good chance cava or champagne will follow dinner... Oh, and there is always dessert, and usually options!

· Partying/Pre partying: If you go out before 12, you'll be surrounded by a more relaxed crowd.. The one's who definitely don't make it past 3 in the morning. Thus, pre-partying at home or on a street corner is the way to fly. Just remember: Bars close at 3 (sometimes between 3 and 4) so it's crucial to have a final destination, post bars. Preferably a night club that has free or discounted entry because your drunk ass remembered to put yourself on a list before too many tequila shots. (Having a Mexican friend is dangerous). Having foreign friends means someone always has a flask and you can splurge on one less overpriced cocktail. It also means that someone didn't even bother putting it in a flask, they just brought the whole bottle... The suitcases that girls carry these days for purses make your life easier. Thank you, Grainne.

· Overplaying pop radio songs for entirely too many months in a row: First, the American hits take a second to cross the Atlantic. Thanks to Facebook, by the time Spain is having an orgasm over the new Gaga song, we're already sick of it. So... the song arrives to Spain, welcome! Then we hear the original for a while... In every clothing store, bar, restaurant, club, bus, and every other establishment, really. Then come the remixes. Then, everyone's ring tone sounds the god damn same. The metro-underground is always an annoying Lady Rhi-kesh-ana Perry concert. Vomit. (But the song was good for the first few weeks!)

· Growing olives, making olive oil & then cooking with it... excessively: Nothing is complete without 10 pinches of salt and a generous dribbling of EVOO. At least naturally it's a healthier salad dressing or substitute for mayo on a sandwich.

· Rocking mullets and rat tails: And then being the coolest person on that block.

· Cursing and instulting: Let me explain... In Spanish, there are many different alternatives to our most common, powerful and very international word of choice: Fuck. In Spanish, one could say: "Joder." And like English, we can use it in many different situations. It can also be used as a verb, a general curse or more specifically directed at the mother fucker who made you angry. But "joder" just doesn't have the humor that the following expression does: "me cago en..."

Translated, this means: "I shit in...." Really though, whatever the expression suggests that the speaker is literally shitting on or in, translates to a more entertaining way of saying "FUCK!"

For sake of getting a good laugh, here are the different (and most common) things you can shit in or on:

...la leche (the milk)

...la mar (the sea - I'd like to point out that "mar" is a masculine gendered noun in Spanish, but in some idiomatic expressions, it becomes a female, hence the "la" that precedes it in this expression instead of "el")

...la puta (the bitch - vulgar, yes)

...la hostia (translated, 'hostia' means 'bloody hell', a more British expression than American. I suppose in American English it'd translate to 'shit'. Therefore we could say: "I shit in the shit!"

...Dios (God)

...tu/su puta madre (the mother fucker or your fucking mother, etc)

Now... The next one has to be my absolute favorite. It happens to come straight from the mouth of native Calatayudian (bilbilitano). Yes, the place where I am going to be moving back to in a week:

...las bragas de la Virgen (the Virgen--Mary's-- undies/panties/underwear. Shit. In her undies. Ew.)

The next and last example comes from the rainy, green and grassy lands of Galicia (the Spanish region on the northwest coast, above Portugal). In Gallego it would be "cágome or me cago en la cona que te parió."

In Spanish it would be: "Me cago en el coño que te parió"

In English it could be translated to: "I shit in the vagina/cunt/fanny/pussy/beaver that gave birth to you" -- or -- "...your mother's v/c/f/p/b that birthed you."

Grotesque. The most amazing part is... If anyone said something that foul in English, the room would fall silent, lines would be crossed. In Spanish, the conversation continues, maybe a few people laugh but it's soon forgotten about.

I hope you enjoyed your subjective Spanish culture lesson for the day. So you know, the € is predicted to lose value here in the near future. Think about making a trip to the other side of the pond, where I will be waiting with a Manchego cheese sandwich and a glass of (actually box of) Mr. Simon's finest Sangria beverage.